Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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