My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
my poor anus
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
