How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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