I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
