you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
