Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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