the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
