I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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