she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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