I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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