just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
