Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
