She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize