You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
