I faked an abortion last night.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
