Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
