seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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