I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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