Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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