the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize