I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
