well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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