My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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