I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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