He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
