Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
