I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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