you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
