I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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