Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Pants are for mortals
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
