wrigley field is MILF paradise
Please, let me fuck your mom
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
