can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
