I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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