a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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