You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
