my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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