Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
