i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
