Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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