i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I looked at my own cervix.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
