Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
