Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
