nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
