have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
