im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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