what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
