How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
