oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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