i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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