I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
