They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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