i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Drunk is a universal language darling
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
