I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
