He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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