Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
