i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
