right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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