it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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