I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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