Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
