I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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