I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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