In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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