I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
