I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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