im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize