if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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