first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
