4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
