You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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